Parenting
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Sibling jealousy decoded: How to handle rivalry like a parenting pro
Cradlewise Staff
Your 4-year-old daughter couldn’t wait to become a big sister. She helped pick out the baby’s onesies, kissed Mommy’s belly goodnight, and proudly told everyone she is getting a little brother. But now that her baby brother is home, something is changing. She is clinging to her dad, refusing to sit near the baby, and having a meltdown when her favorite bedtime story is delayed. Overnight, your sweet and confident little girl is suddenly unsure of her place in the family.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Sibling jealousy is a common (and totally normal) reaction when a new baby arrives. But with patience and the right approach, you can help your child adjust, feel secure, and even develop a lifelong bond with their sibling.
We talked to Emily Groben, Board Certified Behavior Analyst and Erin Carroll-Manning, Founder of Gentle Giraffes, a full-service pregnancy and postpartum agency, about sibling rivalry and how you can help your older child adjust.
What is sibling jealousy?
Sibling jealousy is the mix of emotions an older child experiences when a new baby enters the family. It can range from mild insecurity to full-blown resentment. Even if your child seemed excited about their new sibling before birth, the reality of sharing your attention can stir up unexpected feelings.
Signs of sibling jealousy can vary depending on age and temperament, but knowing what to look for can help you address it early.
“Children process change differently. What seems like an overreaction is often their way of saying, ‘I need reassurance.’”
Emily Groben, Board Certified Behavior Analyst
When does sibling jealousy start?
Sibling jealousy can start as early as the pregnancy announcement or when the older child begins to notice the family preparing for the new baby.
“For an older child, the concept of a newborn is complex. “They do not understand who this newborn is, why they are suddenly in their home, or why their parents are so preoccupied with taking care of them. This sudden shift can be a shock, leading to changes in behavior at home and even at school.”
Emily Groben, Board Certified Behavior Analyst.
For toddlers, the arrival of a younger sibling can feel like a disruption to their routine and the exclusive attention they once received. A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that children as young as 18 months may exhibit signs of jealousy, often triggered by the perceived competition for parental attention. This emotional response is a normal part of social and emotional development.
When does sibling jealousy end?
Sibling jealousy doesn’t have a fixed endpoint; it tends to ebb and flow as children grow and their relationship evolves. While intense jealousy may lessen once the younger sibling becomes more independent, certain life events like birthdays, milestones, or parental praise can reignite those feelings.
By the time children reach school age, they often develop better emotional regulation and social understanding, reducing the intensity of jealousy. Research in Developmental Psychology suggests that strong parent-child bonds and teaching conflict resolution skills can significantly reduce sibling rivalry
Why do older siblings get jealous of their younger siblings?
Older siblings may experience jealousy due to a variety of emotional and situational factors, including:
- Loss of exclusive attention
The shift in parental focus from the older child to the newborn can make the older sibling feel neglected or less valued.
- Perceived unfairness
Older children may believe that younger siblings receive more leniency or affection, leading to resentment.
“The newborn gets new toys, clothes, and extra attention, while the older child still has chores and rules. They don’t understand why things feel unfair, which can lead to resentment.”
Emily Groben, Board Certified Behavior Analyst.
- Developmental factors
Younger children’s dependence often results in more physical and emotional caregiving, which may be difficult for an older sibling to understand.
- Competition for resources
Time, affection, and material possessions can become points of contention, especially in households with limited resources.
- Desire for autonomy
Older siblings may also struggle with conflicting feelings of responsibility and jealousy as they witness the perceived freedom of a younger sibling.
As a parents you can mitigate sibling jealousy by acknowledging the older child’s feelings, maintaining special one-on-one time, and fostering cooperative play. Supporting both children in building a strong bond through shared experiences can also reduce jealousy over time.
Signs of sibling jealousy
Jealousy doesn’t always look like direct aggression. Some children act out, while others withdraw. Watch for these subtle (and not-so-subtle) signs:
- Increased clinginess or regression (e.g., wanting a pacifier again)
- Trouble making simple choices, like picking a snack or toy
- Acting out, throwing tantrums, or demanding constant attention
- Grabbing toys from the baby or interrupting baby care
- Refusing meals or becoming extra fussy
“Negative attention is better than no attention,” Groben explains. “If a child feels ignored, they might seek attention in unhelpful ways.”
If you notice these behaviors, don’t panic! There are simple ways to ease the transition and help your child feel secure.
How to help your older child adjust
Helping your older child adjust to a new sibling doesn’t have to be a battle. With a little prep and lots of love, you can turn sibling rivalry into sibling bonding. Here’s how!
- Build a bond before baby arrives
The transition starts before birth. Involve your child in the process to help them feel connected. Role-playing baby care with their dolls, letting them place their hand on your belly to find and feel the baby, and reassuring them about what will and won’t change for them can make a big difference. “These playful bonding activities help older children feel included rather than replaced,” says Groben.
- Share attention without rivalry
A new baby demands a lot of time, but small efforts can help your older child feel just as important. Rope them in as mama’s assistant and let them hand you a burp cloth or pick out the baby’s outfit to give them a sense of involvement. Even 10 minutes of one-on-one time can make a big difference.
“Hire help for the newborn, not the older sibling. This allows parents to prioritize quality time with their firstborn,”
Erin Carroll-Manning, Founder of Gentle Giraffes.
- Keep routines as normal as possible
Just like us our kids thrive on routine, and disruptions can increase jealousy. Try to stick to their usual bedtime and meal schedule, maintain familiar activities, and give them a heads-up when something will change. If your child struggles with patience, using a visual timer can help them understand when it’s their turn for attention.
- Teach coping skills
Big feelings are overwhelming, but teaching simple coping techniques can help.
Naming their emotions, modeling patience by saying, “It’s baby’s turn now, but next, it will be your turn,” and giving them creative outlets like journaling or drawing can be effective.
“Children need respect, patience, and communication,” says Carroll-Manning. “Time and consistency help them feel secure when a new sibling arrives.”
Prevent long-term resentment
Sibling jealousy isn’t something you fix overnight, but ongoing support helps prevent long-term rivalry. Here are some final tips to tie it all together:
- Praise kindness – Notice and celebrate small acts of love, like sharing a toy or making the baby laugh.
- Keep promises – If you say you’ll play after feeding the baby, follow through.
- Let them vent – If they say, “I don’t like the baby,” instead of shutting them down, acknowledge their feelings: “It’s okay to feel that way sometimes.”
- Encourage teamwork – Let them help with baby care in age-appropriate ways.
Sibling jealousy is a phase, but with love, patience, and these expert-backed strategies, you can help your child adjust and build a strong sibling bond that lasts a lifetime.
Questions to ask yourself:
- Have I identified patterns that trigger jealousy in my older child?
- Am I maintaining consistent routines and schedules?
- How can I involve my older child in caring for their new sibling?
- Am I giving both children fair and balanced attention?
- What coping skills am I teaching to help my child handle big emotions?
Conclusion
Sibling jealousy can feel overwhelming, but with a little patience and reassurance, you can help your older child adjust. By validating their feelings, keeping their routines steady, and creating special one-on-one moments, you’re showing them they’re just as loved as ever. This phase won’t last forever—your little ones are learning how to share your love, and with your guidance, they’ll build a bond that lasts a lifetime. One day, you’ll see them laughing together, and you’ll know it was all worth it.
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